Metta
by A September Rose
Summary: [oneshot] Gojyo tries his hand at meditation. And telling Sanzo how he feels. One is more successful than the other. [53, shounen ai]


Disclaimer: As always, Saiyuki belongs to Minekura Kazuya, not me.

Prompt: I am currently taking a class on Buddhism. We were learning different forms of meditation and all of a sudden, this idea hit me. Ah, it's cute, so who cares where the inspiration comes from, right? I never used to think of these guys being capable of fluff, but several fics have convinced me otherwise (coughinsertshamelessplugforBefaniniherecough).

Note: Metta is a Indian word for the Buddhist meditation form, however, Gojyo interprets it as the Japanese phrase "metta ni," which means "seldom" or "rarely." Also, metta is more of a Theravada concept, though Sanzo probably comes from the Mahayana tradition. Let's assume he likes to try different things.

Metta

I'd been caught trespassing. At least, that's what it felt like. I know that since we're traveling, none of us have a permanent place for others to trespass in. But that's beside the point.

I'd walked right into the _hagebouzu's_ sacred personal space.

At first, I thought he might not notice me – he was meditating, of all things! – but to think that would be a fool's mistake. His Holiness never failed to pick up on times when one of us does something that could potentially piss him off. Seems like he has a sixth sense about those kinds of things.

What was I doing out on the porch of the inn anyway? Someone hated me; that was the only explanation. This inn was the only one in the little town we'd stopped at for the night, and, just our luck, they had recently instituted a smoking ban in all public buildings, meaning we were relegated outside.

So, I'd come out for what I hoped was the last time tonight before going to bed, to get in that one final rush of nicotine. It wasn't like seeing Sanzo was a huge shocker, but instead of finding him already lighting up, or glaring at me while he waited for my lighter, he was sitting on the porch itself, legs folded under him with his head bowed.

He was so still at first that I could've mistaken him for a statue. That didn't last long; I saw his chest rising and falling ever so slowly and the night breeze was running through those golden strands, ruffling them softly. His eyes were closed, which was a shame, since I always liked sneaking glances at the brilliant violet.

"You've been out here for five minutes without talking. That breaks a new record, I think."

Ok, I admit it: I jumped at the sound of his voice – deep and smooth, with that hint of condescension he always seemed to reserve especially for me. Sanzo lifted his head up, turning it slightly so he could see me out of the corner of his eyes. I'm pretty much crap at sensing auras beyond hugely obvious youkai presences, but he seemed to be flowing with calmness at the moment. Thank heaven for small miracles.

"Didn't want to interrupt. You're high-strung enough as it is." I tried to sound dismissive, so he wouldn't know.

Sanzo could never know. He'd kill me. Besides, if it sounded ridiculous in my own head, what would he think? Every time I even thought of mentioning that I 'maybe kinda sorta could see myself possibly liking him in _that way_,' the only possible reactions I could come up with were a bunch of variations on yours truly covered in bullet holes and thrown in a ditch somewhere.

'Ok, Gojyo, stop these thoughts right now,' I told myself. I finally got the damn cigarette out and attempted to light it. I needed something to keep busy, to distract myself from these stupid notions. 'He'll never feel the same way, might as well just quit while I'm ahead.'

Sanzo was still participating in the conversation, if you could call it that, as I made frustrated noises at my stubborn lighter. "I wouldn't be so 'high-strung' if two certain idiots learned how to ride in a car for a minute without picking at each other." He shifted slightly, but maintained the pose. His head bowed once more and he closed his eyes at the same time. I guess it was getting too dark to admire the color anyway.

The lighter was dead – cheap piece of shit – so I sat down on the porch with him. Crappy inn, can't even afford to have some deck chairs… Unlike our fearless leader, I'm not one for suffering, so I stretched out my long legs across the wooden boards, my heels resting on the very edge.

I leaned back on my hands so I was propped up looking at the stars. It **was** actually a pretty night; too bad we'd been mainly concerned with getting all our stuff inside and eating. We'd almost missed the whole evening. Those other two were still missing it -- Hakkai had gone to bed early after a long day of driving and Goku had passed out about 10 minutes ago, leading me to go outside in the first place.

I was able to sit there for a few more minutes before my craving returned. No lighters, no matches – Sanzo and I were both SOL for the night. He seemed to be doing all right, but maybe that was the point of the meditation.

"Stop squirming. You can go inside if you're bored," he reprimanded me suddenly. I saw his shoulders tense in his otherwise relaxed position. Oops. I was accidentally undoing about an hour's worth of meditation with my stupid addiction.

"Sorry," I mumbled, trying to stop my conflicting thoughts. This would've been so much easier if I hadn't spent the last couple nights dwelling on my feelings for this icy bastard, or if I hadn't gotten drunk last week and spilled the whole story to Hakkai – thanks a lot for your insightful 'commentary,' buddy – which was the whole reason I was thinking of telling Sanzo. This was, naturally, suicide, but I've made a lot of dumb decisions in my life. What's one more?

Time for a different tactic. 'Try to do things Sanzo's interested in,' the helpful suggestion from my best friend bounced around in my head, making me curse myself for letting my secret out. It seemed Hakkai was interested in playing matchmaker now, which was the last thing I needed. "Maybe I should try this meditation thing… seems to be working for you."

There was a pause where Sanzo stared me in the face, eyebrow raising slowly. "You? Meditate?" He snorted, but shrugged, so I took that as a good sign. "Suit yourself."

"'Kay." I tried to emulate his pose, crossing my legs underneath me and sitting up straight. I could already feel a twinge in my feet, so I prayed they wouldn't fall asleep too soon. "Just say 'ohm' and reach enlightenment?"

"Idiot." Sanzo sighed and adjusted his hands where they were resting in his lap. "I think '_metta_' would be more to your liking."

"_Metta ni_? Us talking like this, rare indeed."

"Ch."

Uh-oh. A vein was appearing right near Sanzo's hairline. I decided to save the jokes and get down to business. "Just say it in something other than your fancy priest-y terms, all right?"

"Fine. '_Metta_,'" Sanzo stressed, obviously trying not to let it get to him, "can be loosely translated as 'loving-kindness.' It's something that you start small and work your way up to feeling compassion for the whole universe. It's a calming exercise."

"Sounds good." The last thing I needed was to keep thinking about my feelings and my cravings… and yeah, that's exactly as dirty as it sounded. Cigarettes be damned, my affections were starting to be just as addicting.

"First step." Sanzo's voice brought me out of my world and I noticed his eyes were closed again. I copied him, bowing my head just a tad. "Imagine yourself. Not in any particular context, just you as you are."

Fair enough. I tried to imagine myself, although everyone looks different in their own heads, right? I saw a man with bright red hair and eyes, scars covering his body, face set expressionless. I tried to lay myself bare, stripping away all the masks I wore – the playboy, the comedian, the well-adjusted adult.

I could still hear Sanzo's voice, though it was soft and far away. "Wish that person well. Wish them health and happiness. It's not a prayer, just a feeling of goodwill. Love them."

'I love you,' I thought tentatively to the self in front of me. His head was heavy, his eyes set on the floor. 'I love you.' For all the pain and hurt he'd been through, the loneliness and hardships, I loved him. Here, in this darkness, no one hated him. No one called him 'half-breed' or 'monster.' 'I wish you well.'

I was jerked away from him when Sanzo spoke again. "Next, extend that feeling to another person. A good friend, someone you care about. Wish for their wellbeing."

In the darkness of my head, Hakkai appeared. That was a good choice. A friend, the first one I'd ever made. He was smiling in my head, gently chiding me for some dumb comment I'd made, but laughing just the same. 'I love you.' That wasn't hard to say at all. This guy was closer than a brother to me. 'I wish you happiness.'

Hakkai deserved happiness most of all, I thought. After all the shit he's been through in life, he still gives all of us that same smile. I just wish he'd give more real ones, that he could let go of even a little of his suffering. 'I love you. I wish you peace.'

"Next," Sanzo's voice drifted into my head again as I noticed my breathing was changing. It was becoming deeper and steadier, like I was asleep, only I was more aware than I'd been in a while. "Extend that feeling to someone else. Choose a person in your life you feel neutral towards, offering them the same wish."

Who did I feel neutral towards? Oddly, the first person that popped into my head was Goku. I didn't hate the monkey, as annoying as he could be at times, but I didn't feel like he was my best friend or anything, either. Maybe I didn't give him enough credit. 'I love you,' I attempted.

But the Goku in my head didn't laugh or shoot back with his typical '_erogappa_.' He smiled, in that soft, boyish way that made me realize how young he looked, but how ancient he really was. Here was a kid – scratch that, a man – who was adjusting to being out in the world for the first time in his long life, someone who needed love and guidance. 'I love you, I wish you health and safety.'

The kid needed those things after all. Being trapped in a cave for 500 years didn't exactly feel like the safest environment; plus, he could be pretty reckless in battle at times. It was weird, but by this point, I actually felt something flowing through me. My heartbeat had slowed and this wave, whatever it was, made me feel comfortable. This meditation stuff wasn't half-bad!

"Now for the next step." Oh, right. Sanzo was still there. I followed his voice, but continued to let myself drift on this river of calmness. This must've been where he was when I interrupted him. "Move from that person to another person… this time, pick someone that you don't get along with. Someone you dislike. Wish them the same as the others."

I think this was the point where I snorted, but if Sanzo reacted, I didn't notice; my eyes were still closed. Nevertheless, his image was the next to enter my head. That was definitely true: I disliked him. He could be quite the prick most of the time. Always irritable, that snarling monk with the bad personality, and I wasn't surprised that he was the first on my mind. Who liked getting hit with that stupid fan anyway? But I resisted the tickle of anger that appeared in my chest, squashing it in favor of the feeling from before.

'I love you, Sanzo.' My face was burning; I could feel it even in this state. Maybe because I'd never thought those words before. I wasn't quite sure in what context I meant to say them. 'I wish you peace, wisdom, happiness, and inner strength. I love you, even though it's impossible for you to love me back.' The peaceful feeling was residing. I might be able to extend the feeling to Sanzo, but it wouldn't come without me feeling sorry for myself in the process. Guess I'm a crappy Buddhist after all.

"For the next step," Sanzo instructed, again reminding me of his presence, "Take all four of those people together in your mind. Look at all of them, making your feeling for all four equal. You love all of them equally and feel the same amount of compassion for all of them. After that, start expanding outward to…"

That was the point where I opened my eyes. My relaxed feeling from before was entirely gone and my heart was pounding. No, I couldn't ruin this moment! Stupid brain, listen to me!

"I can't do it."

Sanzo lifted his head up once more, amethyst eyes blinking in the darkness, trying to adjust. "Can't do it? Why not?" He almost looked amused, but I'd settle for it being curiosity.

What happened to me? I used to be such a smooth talker; now I'm falling all over myself trying not to screw this up. "I can't love them all equally… there's one I love more." I prayed I wasn't blushing. Sha Gojyo did **not** blush. I do have something of a reputation to uphold.

Sanzo sat back, giving me one of his all-knowing 'Hn' noises. "I see. Stupid egotistical kappa, I knew this was a waste of time…" He started to get up. I cursed myself, but whether it was for my being misunderstood or for saying too much, I didn't know.

Suddenly, things stopped. We were both on our feet. However, my left hand had shot out, grabbing Sanzo's right wrist. He was staring me down, almost daring me to continue. "I…" Shit, why was my throat so dry? How many times had I done this with women, yet here I was, unable to spit out the most basic of sentences? "It's not me. There's… someone else I love more, a lot more than myself." Idiot. That's what I was.

Something like shock crossed Sanzo's face, immediately followed by realization. But I didn't give him long enough to do much beyond that. It was all involuntary from there on out.

Feeling more scared than I had been in years, I leaned forward, closing my eyes.

He held still.

I kissed him.

It was extremely gentle when my lips touched his. My right arm wrapped around him from behind, drawing him towards my chest. I had the brief thought that this may be the last thing I ever did in this life, but then I heard it.

Sanzo moaned.

That was my cue. Our mouths opened at the same time and I slid my tongue into his mouth slowly, experimenting. I had long ago dropped his wrist; now I felt his arms link around my neck, pulling me closer. My goddamn heart was going to explode, but it was worth every second.

Finally, after what felt like years, we both pulled away and I opened my eyes slowly. He had this cute pink tinge to his face that I could barely see in the starlight; I enjoyed it anyway. The purple eyes were heavy with something that looked like lust. Heh. That would've been too good to be true, right?

"Well…" Sanzo, high priest and intellectual that he was, was fumbling for words. "Guess… you feel more relaxed now."

I laughed, resting my forehead against his. He didn't fight it; another good sign. "Maybe we should 'relax' together again some time."

Now I was shoved away. "Pervert," Sanzo mumbled as he turned around, but he couldn't hide it from me. His lips were twitching ever so slightly… like he was going to smile against his will.

We slowly headed back to our room, a comfortable silence between us. I was expecting the complete opposite, but it seemed like we were at some kind of understanding. Hakkai and Goku were peacefully asleep in the next room over, so we kept our voices down as we settled in for the night… in separate beds, I might add.

"Does this change things?" I asked hesitantly. I hated feeling like a shy teenager who'd just gotten his first kiss, but who knows how things work with guys anyway?

"I don't know." Blunt answer from Sanzo as usual. Still, as he sat down in his bed and pulled his blanket over him, he looked like he was considering something. "Gojyo?"

"Yeah?" I had stretched out on my bed, too, lifting my head when he said my name.

"You can… come over here if you want," Sanzo said, a hint of uncertainty in his voice. "But no funny stuff. The second you do anything perverted, you go back over there."

I'd bounded over before I knew it. I planned on this initial awkwardness lasting for sometime, but I was willing to take it as it went. My conscience (which sounded suspiciously like Hakkai) was congratulating me for my restraint when I slid into bed next to him, our legs brushing together just a bit.

"So." I turned my body towards his so that we were lying on our sides looking at each other. "How about we make this 'seldom' thing an 'often?'"

Sanzo just groaned at the pun, but a few more kisses shut him up for the rest of the night.

--Owari--


End file.
